BLIMP'S LATEST BOOK

ME
by
BLIMP P. RAMBO, IV

I dedicate this book to my father who was so sure I would never
amount to anything. Boy, I sure showed him.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

When one endeavors to set to print the accumulated wisdom of one
as great as I, one is truly embarking on a Herculean task. However,
as this is my first such book, I had only an inkling of just how
difficult it would be, how incredible the effort would be. Never
before in the history of literature has such an impressive talent, as I
most undoubtedly am, committed themselves to the creation of a
work that would have such profound and enduring impact on the
American culture. The fact that I completed this tome you are now
absorbing without the help of any other persons, living or dead,
should be proof enough of my monumental intellect and high moral
fiber. Having said this, I wish to take this opportunity to thank
myself for all the hard work and many hours of sacrifice that were
required to this end. I could easily have farmed this book out to one
of my many writers, but that would have never succeeded in
capturing all the incredible nuances of my genius. I have no doubt
that this book will deservedly find a place of high honor in your
personal library. I suggest keeping it right next to your Bible.

ADVISORY

As any great mind attracts controversy, I can assure you that by the
time you are reading my pearls of wisdom they will, undoubtedly,
have attracted some bad reviews from left-wing, dope-smoking,
high-paid communists, who work for those mind-controlling
propaganda machines called "news papers". Don't listen to them!
What you are about to read flies in the face of everything they stand
for. They do not want you to read this book. You must take every
opportunity to show people that you are someone who thinks for
themselves by carrying a copy of this book with you whenever
possible. You will find my book extremely useful whenever you are
assaulted by homosexuals, communists, and secular humanists. If
you cannot find an appropriate quote with which to smote the
heretics, you can always use this book to pummel them about the
head and shoulders, provided you don't mind getting some dandruff
on yourself in the process. For ease of reading, you will find a brief
dictionary of some of the bigger words that are included in this book
on page 833.

CHAPTER ONE - MY STRUGGLE

In the beginning there was, I'm sure, little indication in my
manor or demeanor that I would one day rise to such tremendous
hights of achievement. I was an ordinary boy, growing up in a small
town on the banks of the Mississippi. I had the usual interests,
scouting, little-league, fire works on the 4th of July, and stamp
collecting. On Sundays, our family was always together at diner time
where my father, Blimp Sr., and my uncle Hobart, would discuss
politics while my mother and sister cleared the table and did the
dishes.

Now my uncle Hobart was a very large man, both in size and
stature. He built and ran one of the most profitable grain elevators
in eastern Missouri. My father ran a collection agency, and was no
shrimp either. Trust me, he had no problem intimidating deadbeats.
Between the two of them, we're talking close to 600 pounds of red-
blooded, American, manhood, and when I say they discussed politics
that's really an understatement (understatement, as you'll note, is
one of the most reliable weapons in my arsenal of humor). So, when
my father and uncle would talk politics, oh boy, watch out and hide
anything that was likely to break. Though they were both arch-
conservatives, they still found room to disagree on just about every
issue.

For example, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, my father thought
that the United States should immediately invade Cuba and depose
Fidel Castro. My uncle Hobart, on the other hand, thought that the
U.S. should immediately use the presence of Soviet missiles in Cuba
as an excuse to launch a nuclear strike against both Cuba and the
Soviet Union, thus killing two birds with one stone so to speak.
Though I was only a little Blimp at the time, that October was one
that I will truly never forget. The both of them were on the phone
constantly, getting everyone they knew who shared their right-
minded views to call and telegram their Representatives in Congress
an demand that something drastic be done.

Well, after a day or so of this activity, uncle Hobart began to
make some comments that indicated he thought my father was soft
on Communism, since he didn't advocate the total annihilation of that
rogue state. My father was not about to be called "soft" on anything
related to the red menace and he took great offense in my uncle
Hobart's insinuations. Dad was the first to actually pick up a chair in
anger, but uncle H. was soon to follow. Pretty soon our living room
looked like Hitler's bunker after the fall of Berlin. After knocking my
uncle out with a tire iron, Dad grabbed a can of kerosene out of the
shed, got in his truck and headed straight for that grain elevator.
Ten minutes later the whole town heard one of the loudest
explosions since Nagasaki.

The next day, when uncle Hobart woke up and found out what
happened, he stole my Dad's pickup and drove it right into the
deepest rock quarry he could find. That wasn't enough for him
though. Oh, no. He made up his own molotov cocktail and drove up
in front of our house and started hollering at my Dad. He was just
about to toss it through our living room window when he heard on
his car radio that the crisis was over, and the missiles were on their
way back to the U.S.S.R. At that moment both my uncle and my
father seemed to realize just how foolish they had been in taking
their frustrations out on each other, instead of the real enemy. That
night they made up and must have gone through three cases of beer
between the two of them in the process. They sang every drinking
song they knew a dozen times and then sang them again. They
vowed that, from then on, they would never again do physical harm
to a fellow conservative.

The one thing I'll always remember about that fateful night is
something my uncle Hobart said to my Dad after what must have
been his thirtieth beer. He said, "The liberals are the ones that are
our true blue enemy, Blimp. Behind every Liberal is a Communist,
and every Communist is Moscow's spy." Now, I can hear some of you
bleeding hearts out there whining that the Cold War is over. We
defeated the evil empire and now everything is fine and dandy. Not
so, my friend. You see, when the Soviet Union collapsed it put a lot
of the real died-in-the-wool communists out of action, temporarily,
but after a while they got smart. They realized, like the Japanese
and the Germans did after World War II, that now is the time to cash
in. So, they put the touch on all their liberal friends in the West,
particularly those in the Democratic Congress, and those former
commies are now doing better than ever. We're sending them all
kinds of checks and free food. Their economies are doing better
and better while ours is being sucked dry.

Now, you may well ask yourself, why would Americans, all be
it "Liberal" Americans, want to help the "former" communists so
much? The truth is, a lot of liberals have been working secretly with
these reds for years. Their interests are so completely integrated
that most Liberals are, in fact, foreign agents who are planning to
amass huge fortunes for themselves and their comrades so they can
then retire to their villas on the Caspian Sea. Of course, no one but
me has the courage to tell you this undeniable truth because there
are so many liberals in high places that it's terribly, terribly risky to
do so. Fortunately, my listeners and viewers give me the clout I
need to be mostly immune to their attacks. Never the less, attack
they will.

The following is an example of the kinds of attacks I have been
subject to, ever since I first began my program, back in Crackerville,
California. One day in noticed a headline in the local newspaper that
said, "Welfare Mom Arrested for Jay Walking." So, I read this story
over the air as an example of how the "Liberal" media consistently
frames every issue using their own psycho-dribble. It seems there
was this pathetic looser, nare-do-well, mother of three, who, through
her own fault, had dropped out of school, and got herself pregnant as
many times as possible. When she did work, she had only held the
most menial of employment. We're talking drive through, fast food,
and pizza delivery. Lord knows what else she had done to keep
crack in her pipe. You know what I'm saying. She also happened to
be "African American", as the politically correct say.

Well the story went on to interview some members of the
community that complained that the District Attorney was out of line
for prosecuting someone like this woman who was having "such a
tough time making ends meet", and that there were many far more
serious cases that needed the D.A.'s attention. The way the media
came to the defense of this maladjusted, poor excuse for a citizen
made me absolutely ill, and I said as much on my radio program.
Well, naturally I got a few calls that day saying, "Blimp, how can you
be so mean?" However, the overwhelming majority of the calls
applauded me for my courage to call a loser a loser. I mean really,
women like that shouldn't be allowed to roam the street and get in
the way of traffic to begin with.

Naturally, there wasn't one person interviewed for the article
that said the woman belonged in jail, or better yet, in one of those
boot camp programs. There wasn't even one comment on how this
woman represented and exemplified the exact kind of behavior
patterns that have left this country with a national debt so large it
can't even be counted. From the calls to my program that day I
know for a fact that a huge percentage of the community felt as I
did, and yet their opinions had been completely sidelined, relegated
to what was at the time an obscure call-in show on the far right of
the A.M. dial. You see, gentle readers, the liberal media wants to
help women, like the one in question, to stay on welfare forever.
They would rather she be on welfare than working. They argue
endlessly that she'll end up earning less, and have less for her kids, if
she took that job at Pizza Hut. Well so what, I say. There's nothing
wrong with working at Pizza Hut. After all, the world needs pizzas.
Far better that she makes a few pizzas and has to put her kids up for
adoption than that you and I should pay their cable television bill.
That's exactly what I said on my show that day.

Well, needless to say, my comments immediately came under
fire. The same paper that had run the original story ran a follow-up
the next day that told all about how my listeners and I had attacked
this helpless welfare cheat. Not one reporter from that paper called
me, during my program, to get my comments directly. That made
me extremely angry, so angry, in fact, that I did something I had
never done before and, to this day, something that I'll only do on the
most rare occasion. On that day, I suggested to all my listeners out in
radio land that they themselves might want to call the editor of this
so called newspaper and tell him themselves what they thought
about the style and tone of the reporting that was going on there.
Well, no sooner had I made this suggestion over the air than twenty
minutes later, by sheer coincidence, the newspaper building was
mysteriously blown up by a fertilizer bomb. Now, I only mentioned
fertilizer one or twice that day on my program, so how anyone
can connect my listeners with that tragic explosion is beyond me.

Another issue that got me in trouble with the Liberals, before I
had made it really big in radio, is the issue of school prayer. If you
look at the current state of education in this country you have to
admit that it is a dismal failure. These days our kids are spending
more time learning how to use condoms than learning phonics. It's
no wonder that S.A.T. scores are dropping. What ever happened to
the four R's, reading, writing, arithmetic and religion? If our
founding fathers could see they way the public schools are run today,
do you know what they would say? Lock and load! Ever since
religion has been banned from our nation's classrooms there has
been a steady decline in the moral fiber of this country, a country
that was founded on the principles of religious freedom.

Back in December of 1990, just after my show went national, I
told the story of a young man named Paul Seward who was suspended
from Hillside Senior High School in New Jersey because he prayed in
class and was carrying a Bible. Really, a Bible. Not a gun, a Bible.
This is just one example of how the dominant Liberal establishment
inflicts its agenda on the people, and particularly the children, of this
country. Now, young Paul Seward has every right in the world to
carry his Bible any old place he feels like, and if he wants to pray in
the middle of history class he has every right to do that too. What
kind of country are we living in when a young man can't read out
loud from the Bible when ever and where ever he damn well
pleases? It's the Bible for Christ's sake, the document that all our
laws are based on. If we're living in a country where someone, full
of the Holy Spirit, who raises his voice to read joyfully from the Bible
is considered and outcast and a criminal, then we are in seriously
deep doodoo my friends. And, do you think there was even one
single copy of the Ten Commandments on display anywhere at
Hillside High? No, not one.

I decided that day to call up Leonard Stein, the Principal of
Hillside High and find out just what kind of school he was running.
Of course, the coward refused to come on the air with me and discuss
Paul Seward's suspension, but he did have his secretary tell me that,
"This is a Public School and it is school policy that matters of religion
and religious instruction are left up to the student's legal guardian.
Paul Seward has violated that policy." "What about the Bill of
Rights?", I asked her, "What about the God damn Bill of Rights!". It
was about then that she hung up on me.

Well, that made me mad, really mad. So, that day I again
decided to suggest to my loyal listeners that they ought to call this
Mr. Stein and Hillside High and let him know what they thought
about the kind of school he was running, and to tell him that, if he
was any kind of a man, he should go on the air with me and explain
himself. We're talking about the Principle of a school that didn't
even have a copy of the Ten Commandments, not one. We're talking
about the Principle of a school where a good Christian can't even read
aloud from the Holy Bible. We are talking, my friends, about the
Principle of a school where sex education is taught, where the use of
condoms and "safe sex" is presented as something worth considering,
where the theory of evolution is given priority over the fact of
Creation. So what if a student wants to get up on the teacher's desk
in the middle of history class and talk in tongues. That's his right.
The spirit of the Lord was in him, but of course liberials wouldn't
know anything about that.

Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to debate any of
these pressing issues Principle Stein. The very next morning, as he
was heading for work, his car mysteriously malfunctioned and blew
up, burning him to a crisp. The only explanation I can think of for
this is perhaps divine intervention, or perhaps this Mr. Stein was
secretly involved in some internationalist conspiracy that suddenly
turned sour. Of course, a chorus of voices was soon raised that I,
indirectly, had something to do with Mr. Stein's untimely demise.
Yes, wrongheaded lefties from all across the land began accusing me
of inciting my listeners into violent action. Poppycock, I say. My
listeners are good, wholesome, God fearing citizens. They do not
resort to violence to achieve their goals. When my listeners decide,
of their own free will, to take action and to try to right some of the
many injustices and liberal lies that are strangling this nation and it's
economy, they do it in the most gentle and kind way possible. They
make phone calls. They write letters. They send e-mail. Anyone
who says otherwise is a left-wing wacko, homosexual/lesbian,
secular humanist. The Liberals are the ones who resort to the most
viscous form of violence of all. They lie. They lie about everything.

The Liberals will resort to absolutely anything to advance their
agenda. They want your kids to renounce their faith in God
almighty. They would like to see America on its knees. Most of
them supported Russia in the Cold War and willingly gave aid and
comfort to the enemy. I recommend that, if you have children, do
what ever you can to keep them out of public schools. If you can
afford a private Christian education that's great. If not, home
schooling is the best option. Right now in Congress the Liberals are
drafting legislation that will require children to attend public schools.
Now, as long as we remain vigilant, this law doesn't have a chance in
passing, but that won't be the end of it. Some liberal judge will
declare it unconstitutional for you to decide what school to send your
kids to. Or, better yet, they'll try to take your kids right away from
you for even discussing religion in your own home.

If we don't stop these folks, and soon, the whole country will be
lost. I hate to say it folks, but I hate liberals. I hate the hateful
hating hate that they make me hate them with. We should all hate
liberals, and hate them with a hateful hating kind of really hateful
hate. Hate the young liberals. Hate the old liberals. Hate the
educated liberals. Hate the ignorant liberals. Hate the blue collar
liberals. Hate the elitist liberals. Hate the poverty stricken liberals.
Hate the illegal alien liberals. Hate the White liberals. Hate the
African American liberals. Hate the Asian liberals. Hate the Native
American liberals. Hate the Hispanic and Chicano liberals. Hate the
European liberals. Hate the Northern liberals. Hate the Southern
liberals. Hate the welfare collecting liberals. Hate the brie chomping
liberals. Hate the media controlling liberals. Hate the fetus aborting
liberals. Hate the sex educating liberals. Hate the bible burning
liberals. Hate the flag burning liberals. Hate the tofu eating liberals.
Hate the tree hugging liberals. Hate the draft dodging liberals. Hate
the free loving liberals. Hate the drug taking liberals. Hate the
Hollywood liberals. Hate the Washington liberals. Hate the New York
liberals. Hate the chili cookoff competing liberals. Hate the culture
loving liberals. Hate the alcoholic liberals. Hate the lying liberals.
Hate the incumbent liberals. Hate the one world promoting liberals.
Hate the newspaper recycling liberals. Hate the vegetarian liberals.
Hate the gay liberals. Hate the toad licking liberals. Hate the
conservative hating liberals.

Hate the liberals. Hate the liberals. Hate the liberals. Hate the
liberals. Hate the liberals. Hate the liberals. Hate the liberals. Hate
the liberals. Hate the liberals. Hate the liberals a lot.

Hey, listen. You must be really sick if you're still reading this.
If you really want to read something funny, go to the library and
check out a copy of "The Way Things Ought to Be" or "See, I Told You
So." Better yet, buy a copy of FAIR's "The Way Things Aren't", Al
Frankin's "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations",
or "We're Right, They're Wrong" by James Carville.

W.L.